How to live on
by Maria86
Summary: When you go through a traumatic experience and your whole world is shattered, can you live on and just go back to normal? Two agents have to deal with their trauma and rebuild their relationship. Character study. Do not own CM. Mentions of sexual violence
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: Waiting**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal minds or any of the characters, and make no money with these stories. Please excuse any spelling mistake, as English is not my mother language…**

"Do you remember the first time you came into my office?" Hotch's voice resonated abnormally loud in the empty space. "You surely looked terrified when I sent you away…" The man chuckled to himself before falling back into silence. He had barely managed to get a smile off his coworker's face.

"You were a terrifying person…" She muttered a few minutes after that, as though just realizing that he had addressed to her. "It takes a lot of patience and little ego to put up with you…" She added, smiling to herself to make the comment less negative.

When the metallic sound came from the distance, the brunette's head shot upwards in expectation. Aaron Hotchner took the opportunity to take a good look at her. Emily's face was emaciated and pale, the only color coming from the multiple cuts and bruises she had suffered, and the mascara stains on her cheeks. All her make-up was gone, and she looked a little older than normally. Maybe it was the look of fear in her eyes that had made her gain a few years, Hotch thought to himself, now directing his gaze to the door. But apart from blows in the distance, indicating that the unsub was still around, they saw nothing. The door stayed sealed, as it had been for the past twelve hours.

When it was evident that the man would not come back just now, Emily turned her gaze to her superior, trying to utter a weak smile of relief. If possible, Hotch looked even worse than herself. He had been beaten repeatedly and slammed hard around the room.

"How are you feeling?" She asked without thinking, as her eyes lingered on the bruised lip of Aaron Hotchner.

"I'll live."

Emily frowned at his answer. Whenever she had imagined being in that situation, she would never have thought that Aaron Hotchner would be the one keeping the hope high, while she would give up. And yet, the man still thought they would get out of this warehouse alive. As if reading her thoughts, Hotch leaned forward a little, wincing at the pain in his ribs, and said with a posed tone: "They will find us, Emily."

She nodded without saying anything. Her voice was so sore from the repeated shouting. When the man had burst into the room and begun to punch Aaron Hotchner over and over, Emily had stopped breathing all at once. Then the anger had kicked in, making her fight the ropes tying her wrists with full strength and curse at the unsub. It had taken all in all five minutes, which seemed short considering the damage on Hotch's body.

"How is your arm?"

Somewhere in the battle between the two males, Hotch had heard his right arm snap and had cried out in pain at the realization that it was broken. Worse than that, the unsub had not made a single move to untie at least the broken arm, which made every gesture painful for Aaron.

"Bad." He answered, dead-serious. Emily frowned again and closed her eyes, leaning her head against the cool concrete wall.

"How long have we been here, Hotch?"

"I would guess, about a day. It's probably night already…"

Emily suddenly felt light-headed and she had to take in a deep breath to remain conscious. She had not eaten anything in almost two days. She now bitterly regretted that the day previous to their abduction had been so busy that they had not even taken a lunch break. Emily, like all her coworkers, had fed mostly on coffee.

"Stay with me, Emily." Her eyes shot open to meet Hotch's concerned gaze. It was indeed becoming difficult for her to stay awake and alert.

"Hotch, can I ask you a personal question?"

He seemed to hesitate, but didn't break the eye contact.

"I suppose you can, under these particular circumstances…" He shot her a falsely angry look, hoping she would not leak this information to the other team mates. Aaron Hotchner had to remain the distant and imperturbable boss to them.

"Why did you change the plan of action at the last minute?"

Emily's mind drifted back to last night, when Hotch, Derek, Reid and herself had undergone a thorough search of the unsub's farm. They had split up in two teams to cover more ground, as usual. Everything had gone as planned, Morgan partnering with Emily while Reid stayed with Hotch, until the unit chief had called the team to a halt, just when they were about to part. He had insisted for Emily and Reid to switch places, without so much as an explanation.

She snapped back to reality when she realized that a minute had passed without getting an answer from Hotch. He was looking into the distance, his mind lost somewhere outside of this warehouse.

"Hotch?"

"This guy had a thing for brunettes…" His voice trailed off, as he was not quite sure how to phrase it. Emily's tired voice cut in.

"You were worried about me?"

"I was." He said it more naturally than expected. Confessing in such desperate circumstances was far easier than talk when one was sober and physically fine.

"And you thought Derek could not protect me? Or I can't protect myself?"

"Prentiss…" His voice was dangerously back to his normal, bossy tone, and Emily glared at him, although the exhaustion and pain made it difficult to be as convincing as usual.

"Hotch, since we're not even sure to get out of here, can we go by our first names?"

Hotch sighed, locking with his agent's gaze and trying to seem less panicked than he was feeling inside.

"Emily, it was a stupid decision. It just… came out. I wanted to keep an eye on you."

"And that you will."

Both agents jumped in surprise as the estranged voice echoed through the almost empty room. They had not even noticed that the unsub had been standing behind the door, listening to their conversation. Emily held her breath when the door creaked open to reveal the gigantic man who had abducted them. She couldn't tear her eyes away from him, although all her attention was focused on Hotch. She wouldn't bear to see this prick take out his anger on Hotch again.

"We won't beg you, if that's what you're waiting for." Hotch said with a cold voice, hoping his calm would throw the man off balance. "You can kill me but I don't fear you." By experience, Aaron Hotchner knew that showing any weakness was often enough to antagonize the unsub and bring him to kill. He wouldn't give him this satisfaction, and neither would Emily.

"Still think your team of geniuses is going to find you?" The man snorted. Hotch did not answer but looked him straight in the eyes, forcing himself to register every detail of the unsub's face and body language. They would need the detail afterwards – if there was an afterwards.

Hotch's look went from determination to panic when the unsub changed his direction and turned to Emily. The brunette was holding his gaze, throwing flames at him with her eyes. She would have beaten the man into a bloody pulp if it hadn't been for the ropes tying her hands over her head. The unsub kneed down and reached out to caress Emily's cheek, but the woman shrugged away.

"Keep your hands off her…" Hotch hissed, wincing as he tried to loosen the knot around his wrists and hurting his arm in the process.

"True, I have a thing for brunettes…" The man ignored Hotch and talked softly to Emily, grabbing her neck so that she couldn't get away from him again.

"Get away from her! I swear I'll kill you if you don't get away immediately!" Hotch's rising voice was betraying the panic overwhelming him. He seemed to have forgotten his own advice. Hotch's level of panic doubled when the unsub took out a knife that neither of the agents had noticed until then. Emily gasped at the sight, and turned her head away from him.

"Come here, pretty one…" When the unsub put his hands on Emily's waist to pull her away from the wall, her survival instinct kicked in and she began fighting with all she had. Her feet, her elbows, her head… Of course, the knife pressed against her throat kept her from doing too much damage to her assaulter. In the background, she could vaguely hear Hotch's angry – almost desperate – voice. It reminded her of the day Haley died. When Aaron had shared his last conversation with his wife, his voice had a similar edge of panic and sadness as now. In her head, Emily screamed to him to look away, as she lost the battle against the man who was tugging at her trousers.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: The aftermath**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal minds or any of the characters, and make no money with these stories. Please excuse any spelling mistake, as English is not my mother language…**

Just as she thought it was over, another wave of nausea hit Emily, making her bend sideways to empty the little content of her stomach on the concrete floor. When she was finished, the brunette leaned her sweaty face back against the wall, keeping her gaze on the empty corner of the room. She couldn't look into Hotch's eyes, not after what had happened.

"Emily, are you okay?" She heard him ask, for at least the third time in the last minute.

"I'm okay. I'm just… embarrassed."

Hotch held his breath until the brunette finally turned her head and met his gaze. It was an unusual sight for both of them. Emily Prentiss, half-naked and with fearful eyes. Aaron Hotchner, with tear tracks on his cheeks and a look of resignation. He too was beginning to think that they wouldn't come out of this basement alive. Maybe it was for the best, after witnessing Emily being raped a few feet away from him. Hotch mentally kicked himself for thinking so negatively, but the last two hours had taken all their energy. There was none left for hope or reason. All he could think about was the fearful whimpers of Emily and his own uselessness. The eyes she turned to him were full of self-hatred and pain. At the sight, the dark-haired agent felt the tears well up in his eyes once again. Just like she couldn't stop being sick, Aaron Hotchner seemed unable to retain the flow of tears. They both had lost control over their body.

"Don't be. Nothing of this is your fault…" A sting of guilt came forward as he said those words. It was his fault. He had failed in protecting his friend and teammate.

"Are you in pain?" He asked when Emily did not answer. Her gaze has shifted from Hotch's face to somewhere on his chest, but he could tell that her mind was million miles away.

"No…" It came out as a whisper. He knew she was lying, because such a gross violation couldn't be painless. And Hotch had seen the deep scratches on the brunette's thighs, when the unsub had defended himself against her repeated kicks.

"Emily, look at me." His voice was soft. He had to be strong and get back to reason. The woman didn't need to see him broken and crying. She needed to feel protected and supported, no matter how shattered he was feeling inside. "We have to focus. We will get out of here."

"Do you really believe that, Hotch?" He could see the moisture in her eyes, the deep sadness that had extinguished her usual sparkle.

"I do." He tried his best to keep a brave voice and hold her gaze. Emily nodded absently and closed her eyes, trying not to break. Tiredness was washing over her, now that the adrenaline had drained away. She only wanted to sleep.

"He dropped the knife." Emily's eyes shot open when the words registered in her brain. She followed Hotch's still gaze to a spot on the floor, a few feet away from her. Indeed, the unsub had been so busy hurting her that he had dropped his weapon sometime during the assault. And he had been so concentrated on rubbing his sore and bruised arms on his way out, that he had completely forgotten about the rusty knife, now lying innocently on the concrete ground.

The brunette's eyes enlightened as she realized that all was not yet over. They had to take their chance – and if she had to plunge the weapon into the unsub's heart to get out of here, she would do it with pleasure. Emily frowned at the thought, unusually violent to her.

"Can you reach it?" Hotch's broken voice brought her back to reality, and she began stretching her right leg to reach the precious object. Her friend unconsciously looked away to give her privacy. The unsub had merely bothered to throw her pair of trousers in her lap without any more care. At least, Emily had managed to hide a bit of her nudity, but she had now to choose between trying to get to the weapon or keeping the piece of fabric in place. She tried hard, and Hotch could hear her curse at the distance and whimper in pain. He couldn't imagine how sore she must feel at the moment.

"Got it." She somehow managed to pull the knife with her heel, and reflected on the way to get hold of it. Finally, to Hotch's surprise, Emily bent over and grabbed the piece with her teeth. This woman would always surprise him. Even in the most broken and painful state, she kept her head clear and used all her resources. The man silently prayed that she wouldn't lose it before they came out of here. He knew by experience that you could play brave and strong, and crumble the next moment. And Hotch was not sure whether he could handle a crumbling Emily Prentiss.

He silently watched as Emily rubbed the knife on the ropes tying her hands, cutting her wrists several times in the process. She didn't even flinch as the blade grazed her skin over and over, which worried Hotch much more than he would like to admit. When she was done, she didn't move for a moment, only watching her bloody hands and the rusty knife in her right hand.

"Emily…" Hotch tempted. He didn't want to push her, but neither of them knew when exactly the unsub would come back. They had to take the chance now.

"Will you turn away?" Her voice came as a whisper, and it took Hotch a moment to understand that she wanted to get dressed properly.

The dark-haired agent finally opened his eyes to find the brunette kneeing down right in front of him. It was only now that she was close that he saw the true damage the unsub had done to her. Her jaw was bruised, as well as her left eye. Dried blood stained her chin and forehead, where the unsub had hit repeatedly. But what worried Hotch most was the hollowness of her eyes. He wanted nothing more than to hold her close and make sure she didn't forget that there was still love and goodness in this world.

Xxx

Emily closed her eyes as she could hear the lock turn and the door creak open. Even though he was at the other end of the room, she could feel Hotch tense and fight the urge to run towards the unsub as he penetrated into the basement room. The brunette held her breath. It wasn't difficult to pretend being frightened and at the man's mercy. She was so terrified that she had to remind herself to breathe in evenly.

"So, your little friends still have no clue, eh?" The unsub said to no one in particular, although his eyes were set on Emily's shaking form.

"What do you want from us anyway? Haven't you already proven your point? That your more clever than all of us?" Hotch called out, making the sarcasm clear. He wasn't a bit surprised when the unsub came to him in two big steps, and kicked with full force in his legs. Emily cried out and cursed the man with all the bad words she knew in Italian. The unsub only laughed in return, and was soon at her side. When he kneed down again, it was clear to both agents that he wanted to make it to the second round. He was leaning so close to her that she could smell his rotten breath. It was a mix of sweat and cheap aftershave that would undoubtedly stay engraved in her brain for the rest of her life, along with the burning sensation of the man's hands on her body. As he lowered his face to force a kiss on her lips, her brain shut down and turned onto autopilot. She dove forward with the weapon in hand, successfully ramming it into the man's back. He stumbled backwards, obviously caught in surprise by the sudden attack. Before the man could realize it, Hotch was on him, hitting his face with his good hand to knock him out, while Emily crawled back against the wall, obviously in shock.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Wandering around**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal minds or any of the characters, and make no money with these stories. Please excuse any spelling mistake, as English is not my mother language… Thank you very much for all your reviews and especially your advice concerning the description of my story!**

Emily flinched when she felt a hand lift her right arm. She looked sideways to meet Hotch's apologetic look. She had been stubborn enough to walk on her own through the labyrinth of the basement they had been held into. Twice, her weak body had almost given up but she had continued to push Hotch away. She wasn't weak and she didn't need any help to walk. But now that the cold air of the night was hitting her with full force, Emily Prentiss found that she was freezing and exhausted, on the edge of passing out. She didn't move from the sidewalk she was standing on, suddenly longing for a long hot bath and her warm bed. Hotch waited a few seconds for the brunette to catch her breath and fight off the dizziness. When a shiver ran through his own body, he realized that they had to get moving and find a shelter. The night was cold and both were in shock and badly injured, hence prone to fall into hypothermia.

"Come on, Prentiss…" The switch to her family name brought Emily back to reality, and she concentrated all her strength on putting one foot in front of another, making baby steps.

"Where are we, Hotch?" She asked, as though the man had all the answers. But, as much as he looked around, the dark-haired agent couldn't recognize anything. No street signs nor bypassers. Only huge warehouses.

"Some industrial area, I guess… It doesn't look like there are a lot of people passing by here."

He was strangely calm given the circumstances. He had to be, for Emily's sake. Hotch could crumble later, when they were both safe and checked out in hospital. Until then, he had to swallow the pain in his arm and support Emily, whose legs were too shaky to move properly.

"Maybe we'll find a phone somewhere…"

The first thing the unsub had done after snatching them had been to take away all their belongings, including their credentials, guns and cell phones. They were lucky they had kept their clothes and shoes, Emily thought with a sarcastic smirk. Hotch nodded and they said nothing for a couple of minutes.

"How are you feeling?" He had been turning this question around in his head for the past half hour, since he had walked through the door of their cell.

"Okay… How is your arm?"

"Painful." He simply said, keeping his eyes trained onto the ground so she would not see the lie by omission. He had a couple of bruised ribs and a sharp pain in his knee, where the unsub had last hit him. He wasn't going to burden her with his own pain, knowing that she was in a worse state than him.

"I can't believe we're out…" Emily said in a breath, before stopping abruptly. "I'm going to be sick." She pulled away from her teammate and stumbled to the side of the road, almost falling down to her knees by pure exhaustion. Hotch walked after her although his own legs were beginning to get sore, and kneed down carefully behind her, holding her hair while she was retching. It was all the more painful because Emily's stomach had been empty for a while now, but it seemed she couldn't stop feeling nauseous. Hotch closed his eyes for a split second, before gathering his thoughts again. He had to get her out and into a hospital. Hell, he had to get himself checked out after the beating he had suffered. When Emily seemed to be finished, Hotch took his hands away. He could feel her shaking and knew that a manly contact – even friendly – wasn't to her likings at the moment. So he stood up and waited for her to do so. It was difficult to draw the line with such a private and strong person. You never knew when you had to step in or grant Emily some distance.

"Sorry about that." Her voice came out much weaker than usually, but the panic had disappeared, to Hotch's relief. She was slowly getting back to her self.

"You don't have to be. Are you feeling okay to walk?"

Emily nodded and stood up with great difficulty, clinging onto the nearby wall to keep herself steady. She once again accepted Hotch's help without so much as a protest, feeling too weak to tackle the distance on her own.

"I can see lights down there. Maybe we can stop a car and get some help…" Hotch's voice trailed off and they fell into silence, concentrating solely on the walking and the lights in the distance.

Xxx

"Hotch, I'm fine." Emily pleaded for the third time. The man was standing next to her and had fought off himself the paramedics who wanted to care for him. His position of unit chief in the BAU made his protests much more convincing than Emily's.

"You're getting checked out. No discussion." In the corner of his eye, the dark-haired agent could see two SUVs stop abruptly behind the police cars and a troop of dark silhouettes climb out of the anonymous cars.

"Are you two alright?" Rossi sounded out of breath, just like JJ and Morgan, as they stepped by Hotch and took in the sight of the two profilers. The liaison agent gasped as she noticed Emily's tear stained face. The brunette was sitting in the back of an ambulance and shaking enough for anyone within ten feet to notice. It could be from the cold, JJ told herself for some reassurance, as temperatures had dropped considerably over the last few hours. As for Hotch, he looked even worse than Emily, with the cast around his arm and the bruises already forming on every inch of visible skin. The two profilers seemed caught in a visual joust, staring at each other in defiance and oblivious to the chaos around them. Finally, Hotch snapped out of his trance and looked sideways to acknowledge his coworkers' presence.

"Yeah, yeah, we're alive." The unfortunate choice of words made everyone wonder what had happened in that warehouse for the unit chief to be so cautious. They were alive but nowhere near fine.

"How long have you been out?" Morgan asked.

"About an hour. It took us some time to find a means to contact you." Hotch answered, while Emily silently followed the exchange.

"Local PD just called. They have a unit in the warehouse and are looking for the unsub."

"He's in the basement." Emily's hoarse voice intervened. "I don't remember exactly the way."

Hotch shook his head in agreement. He had been too busy himself looking for a way out to really note the different corridors they had walked through.

"Are you hurt?" JJ asked again, her eyes still shifting between the two agents, who looked equally bloody and exhausted. It was Hotch who answered first.

"I've got a broken arm and some bruising, but nothing dramatic. Emily was beaten too, we were going to the hospital right now."

Emily tried to hide the surprise and thankfulness in her eyes as she looked up to Hotch. She knew that they would have to give a statement soon enough, and report in detail what had happened in that basement. But she was grateful that Hotch wouldn't force her into confessing the rape tonight. She felt bad enough without having a whole team of profilers watching her every move and analyzing her reaction to the trauma.

"Okay, we'll meet you there." Rossi said, already making his way back to the SUV as two paramedics motioned for Hotch to climb into the ambulance.

Xxx

"You will have to tell them, you know." Hotch was looking at his feet, unable to gather enough energy to move from his spot. He had been sitting silently in that chair for almost fifteen minutes, hoping that Emily would open up from herself.

"I know… Just… not tonight." Glancing at the clock above the bathroom door, Emily noticed that it was almost three in the morning. The night would soon be over, and both agents would have to face the hierarchy, their psychic evaluation and their worried colleagues. In the meantime, the whole team had either fled to the restroom for some tasteless coffee, or back to the motel to squeeze in a few hours of sleep before flying back to DC.

"I understand." Hotch said nothing for a moment. The silence was so awkward that he almost wished Derek Morgan or David Rossi would walk in to cheer them up. Although the situation was not exactly appropriate for anyone in the Bureau to witness. As a matter of fact, Hotch had been the only one admitted overnight in the hospital, while Emily had been cleared to go. But she had insisted on staying the night, wanting to keep an eye on her superior. And, somewhere in the discussion, Hotch had vacated the bed, leaving it to the slightly shaking brunette. Which was why he was now sitting in an uncomfortable chair while Emily Prentiss was on his hospital bed, in an almost domestic attitude.

"Are we clear to fly tomorrow?" She asked, apparently not noticing the tense silence that had fallen onto Hotch as he flashed back to the previous night.

"As soon as the doctors release me, which should be in the morning."

"Maybe I should give the others a hand in packing and finishing up the paperwork?" Hotch shed her a look of disbelief. Although she was no more in shock, the two days without a proper meal or any sleep had left traces on her whole body. The shaking in her hands and blue bags under her eyes were only a few symptoms.

"Emily, I doubt they would let you anywhere near the precinct in your state. But if you want to go and have some sleep, that's okay." He didn't want her to think she had to babysit him. In fact, Aaron Hotchner himself could need a few hours of rest, although he doubted that any of them could close his eyes without having a panic attack.

"No, it's okay." She simply said, still staring at the floor. She needed to stay near him for a little while, just to be sure that they were both alive and fine. It had been so excruciatingly painful for her to see the unsub – now known as Stephen Buntings – beat Hotch under her own eyes… She couldn't imagine relive these moments once asleep, not for the next few nights. The nightmares would undoubtedly come, but Emily was pretty sure she couldn't bear any tonight. So they stayed silent for long minutes, neither of them wanting to make eye contact or break the momentary peace that had installed in that room.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: Action and reaction**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal minds or any of the characters, and make no money with these stories. Please excuse any spelling mistake, as English is not my mother language… Thanks to all those who reviewed and made story alerts, it keeps me going!**

"Do you think they are going to be okay?"JJ asked absently, her question obviously directed at the young doctor Reid although the blonde's eyes were trained on the back of the plane, where Emily was sitting, looking through the circular window.

"I don't know. I've never seen Emily so sad…" Reid resisted the urge to turn around and check on his friend's well-being. Emily Prentiss hadn't talked to anyone since they had gotten on the jet, and neither had Hotch, but that was less of a surprise.

"I don't even _dare_ to ask what happened during their captivity…" The blonde sighed, obviously uneasy about the way her colleagues were bottling everything up.

"It's only been a few hours, JJ. Give them some time."

She made eye contact with her friend, trying to read behind his emotionless gaze. She could tell by the way Reid was twisting his hands and playing with his wristwatch that he was as nervous as herself, but he was fighting to hide the feeling. She just couldn't. Jennifer had always been an emotional person, and seeing her two colleagues so broken was tearing her apart.

"Did they tell you how they got out?" Because they had not processed the scene themselves, the BAU team was not aware of all the details yet. They would have to read the report.

"The head officer told me that Buntings had been found stabbed in the cell Hotch and Emily had been… held captive in." As the words escaped his mouth, Reid frowned. He didn't like thinking of his friends and coworkers that way.

"Give them a break." Rossi's voice came up from behind as the elderly agent came to sit next to JJ. "They need time to process what happened."

He lowered his voice so that the two agents they were talking about would not overhear them. David Rossi had tried himself to get through to Hotch, in vain. The man wouldn't talk about what exactly happened in the basement, sticking to a general description. The unsub kept them for a day and beat them both up when they wouldn't give in to his mental torture, he had forgotten his knife in the cell and they had managed to escape. But, each time David Rossi would look into the depths of Aaron's dark eyes, he was reminded that there was something more to it. And Emily wouldn't even hold his gaze more than a second, as though she was afraid that he could read through her mask.

"Strauss has been all over my ass the whole day…" JJ complained, ignoring the raised eyebrow Reid shot her. She wasn't usually vulgar, but the last two days had worn off her patience.

"I am not looking forward to be in DC…" Rossi said pensively. "You know what's going to happen, right? We are all going to be interviewed by internal affairs to explain how two trained FBI agents could be abducted without anyone noticing."

JJ and Reid nodded, their eyes simultaneously shifting to the windows of the plane. They knew that the next few days would be tough for everyone on the team, between the reports to write, the interviews to go through and the psychic evaluations for some members.

Xxx

Emily had been looking at her feet for the past three minutes, not trusting her watery eyes. She had never been so emotional in her whole life, but the past days had made her walls crumble altogether. Her mind was screaming 'I can't, I can't…' but she knew that she couldn't give up now. In the corner of her eye, she could see Aaron Hotchner pacing around, his hands dug deep into his trouser pockets. He was obviously waiting for her to make the call. Emily had come into his office almost half an hour ago, because she needed a minute to compose herself before confronting the team. To no one's surprise, the virtual minute had turned into twenty, but Hotch didn't seem to mind. His office had become his shelter long ago, for the nights when he was too depressed to get home or when he needed some privacy to look at Foyet's case file. So why could it not be a shelter to Emily as well?

The team had been back in Washington DC for eighteen hours, but Erin Strauss had coerced them all to take the rest of the day off. So each team member had gone back to his apartment. Under other circumstances, they would have used the opportunity of a night off to meet up in a bar and let out some of the pressure on their shoulders. But as the jet landed in DC just after two in the afternoon, they were all so mentally drained and physically exhausted that they couldn't imagine spending the evening anywhere other than in their respective beds. By the next morning, a schedule had been set up for the different profilers to meet with Internal Affairs and give their statement.

That was exactly why Emily Prentiss was trying to even her breathing in Hotch's office. She knew that the IA agents would undoubtedly feed the rest of the team on the details of the case, including her physical state. And Emily didn't want her friends and team mates to discover the truth about their torture from anyone else than her. So she had agreed with Aaron Hotchner that it was a good time to tell them about the rape.

Though this was easier said than done.

"I think Morgan is about to kick the door down…" He commented. From his position, Hotch had a clear view over the bullpen, currently occupied by a bunch of very concerned profilers. It was quite rare for their unit chief to have one-to-one meetings with one of his agents, and the closed door had finished to scare the whole team.

"Okay, let's get this over with." Emily said as she took in a deep breath and rose to her feet. She still had no idea how she was going to phrase this, but she needed to get it out now, before a reckless agent widened the news about a BAU agent being raped on the job. Her teammates would never forgive her for this lack of trust.

Eyeing the brunette closely, Hotch reached for the doorknob and stuck his head out. A single look was enough for the whole team to stand up and take the well-known path to Hotch's office. He waited for them by the door while Emily was trying to recollect herself. She had avoided his gaze ever since she had first stepped into the office, but strangely felt now like she needed the eye contact to keep going, to stay strong and focused. JJ was the first to enter the dim light of the office, and went directly to the other end of the room, so that everyone could gather in there.

"I know everyone's been wondering what was up with me…" Emily began, avoiding the four pairs of eyes that were watching her every move. Only Hotch, who felt on the edge of breaking down himself, was looking at his feet with great concentration. Something was off, everyone could see that.

"I… I don't know how to say this…" Emily was hesitant, but she would never break down in tears in front of her whole team. "A lot of things happened when we were held captive, and there is no doubt it will take some time for me… for us" she corrected, her gaze now directed at Hotch, who still was looking down to some spot on the floor. "… to digest everything. Having said this, I don't want you to learn about that by some stupid agent from Internal affairs."

Emily mentally kicked herself for being so defensive. It would be her entire fault if her teammates discovered the news by someone else than her. She took a deep breath, feeling everyone's eyes bore holes into her. Especially JJ. The moment Emily had begun her speech, she had seen the look of recognition on the blonde's face. JJ was trained to expect the worst and, being a woman, she knew what the 'worst' meant.

"Buntings raped me, while we were in that basement. I thought it was best if I told you, as it will appear in the report anyway." The brunette stopped, not knowing how to continue. There was nothing more to be said, really. Just the usual marks of support and compassionate looks from her coworkers, which she was already expecting – and dreading. No one said anything for a whole minute, but the brunette forced herself to keep her head high and hold the profilers' gazes. The whole point of this meeting was to show them that she was strong enough to get through this. She wasn't a victim, or at least had been telling herself so for the past two days.

"Prentiss…" Derek began, taking a step forward. The use of her surname resounded strangely, given the personal dimension of this conversation.

"I'm okay." She replied automatically, involuntarily raising a hand to keep the young agent from closing the distance between them.

"I'm so sorry…" It was only when JJ spoke out that Emily noticed the tears pooling up in the blonde's eyes. Despite the pain she was feeling herself, it was her friend's sadness which suddenly sent her over the edge. In two steps, the brunette had reached JJ and wrapped her arms around her stiff shoulders. Four pairs of disbelieving eyes followed Emily's every move. Neither of the men could believe that she was actually the one comforting her coworkers. They should be hovering over her, hugging her and letting her cry on their shoulders. But this wasn't the way Emily Prentiss worked.

"You knew?" Morgan's voice broke the silence, as he turned to face Aaron Hotchner.

"I was there." He answered without looking up. Hotch almost continued by saying that Morgan could go ahead and punch him in the face, but he stopped himself. Guilt had been eating him since that dramatic night, but he knew that his coworkers were too clever to stop at that thought. When he was convinced that Derek Morgan would not greet him with an answer, Hotch looked up to meet his friend's compassionate gaze. He hadn't expected the other men in the group to be so understanding.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5: Nightmares**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal minds or any of the characters, and make no money with these stories. Please excuse any spelling mistake, as English is not my mother language… Thanks a lot for the reviews and story alerts, I appreciate every one of them!**

_Come here, pretty one… You want your little friend here to watch? I'm sure he likes it much more than he would admit…_

Emily Prentiss' body shot upwards, causing her to wince at the soreness in her muscles. Given the complete obscurity of the place, it took the brunette a whole five seconds to realize that she was in her bedroom and not on the cold concrete ground of the basement. But the basement didn't smell like lavender and Emily's apartment was nowhere cold like that unheated cell they had been held in for twenty-eight hours. Emily dug her fingernails into the silk bed-sheets as she tried to get control of her breathing. As if on autopilot, the brunette then let her right hand wander over the bedside table until it had found the switch of the little lamp. Even though her reason was telling her that there was nothing to be afraid of, she just needed to make sure. To be absolutely and irrationally certain that no one was watching her in her large bedroom. After a few moments, the shadow of her silhouette began dancing on the opposite wall as Emily left her bed and wandered over to the bathroom. She decided not to turn on the bright light and only went to the drawer to take a bottle of Advil. The headache that had threatened to come out all day had kicked in at full force.

Fifteen minutes and two pills of Advil later, Emily was sitting on a kitchen stool and staring at the empty counter. The familiar smell of coffee being brewed was emanating from the other end of the kitchen. Emily glanced up at the wall clock and was satisfied to see that it was almost four. There was no way she would get any more sleep tonight, so the little two hours she would have to wait before going into the office were reassuring.

Emily closed her eyes tightly as she flashed back to her nightmare. She could hear the hoarse breathing of Buntings over and over, and still smell his particular scent, a mix of sweat and human filth. She would probably never forget these smell and sounds, nor the weight of the man on top of her. Emily shivered and shook these thoughts away.

As she poured herself the first cup of coffee of the morning, the brunette's eyes lingered over the cell phone that was lying on the kitchen counter, as usual. Emily rarely went from one place of her apartment to another without the precious device, knowing that a professional call could come at all times of the day and the night. But at this precise moment, she wasn't expecting JJ to call for a new case. Her mind wandered over to a certain unit chief. Did she really wish that he would call one of his subordinates in the middle of the night? Emily knew for a fact that he hadn't been sleeping well, like herself. The ever growing blue bags under his eyes and the snappy comments he had made were enough clues to convince every member of team that their unit chief was on edge.

Emily sipped at the hot drink, burning her tongue in the process. She didn't even flinch – the pain could only make her forget for a minute the rest of her state. Her sore legs, the soft spots on her chest, where Buntings had held her in place… For the second time in less than fifteen minutes, Emily forced her mind to empty from horrid images. She had to get herself busy, because each time she would allow herself time to think, her thoughts would wander back to that dreadful night.

Xxx

"Dave, what are you doing here?" Hotch's eyes narrowed as he finally spotted the older man standing in the doorframe of his office. He had absolutely no idea how long David Rossi had been standing there.

"It is 4.35 in the morning, Aaron…" The man muttered, taking a step into the room. It was only then that Hotch saw the two cups of coffee that Dave had been holding. He purposely didn't put down the pen he had been using, with the hope that it would make Rossi understand that he wasn't up for an early-morning conversation. So the dark-haired agent just stared dead-seriously at the other man, in an attempt to scare him off. But he should have known that David Rossi would not give in to his threatening attitude. Instead, he closed the distance between the door and the desk, and sat down into a visitor's chair, gently putting the second cup in front of Aaron.

"Given your short-temper of the past few days, I should have understood earlier that you were not getting any sleep…" The man gave him an understanding nod before half-hiding his face behind the giant mug.

"I got some paperwork to get through…" Rossi snorted at the dishonest answer.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Hotch raised an eyebrow.

"About the paperwork?"

Even though he was running on merely a little caffeine and a lot of adrenaline, Hotch still had some energy left to tease his colleague.

"Did I really just drive all the way to Quantico at 3.30 to hear this bullshit?" Rossi muttered under his breath, leaning back into the comfortable chair.

"No one asked you to." Hotch couldn't help giving him a stern and boss-like look. He knew there was no avoiding an explanation with David Rossi, but he could at least try and win some time.

"Aaron, someone has to step up. I've been hearing complaints all over the place about your nasty comments and lack of patience." Rossi himself was getting serious, and this was all but a good sign. "And you'll soon look like a zombie if you continue these nightly activities… So, even if you don't want to, I _need_… hell, _we_ all need you to talk about it."

When Rossi's rambling came to an end, Aaron Hotchner was still staring at him in total disbelief. David Rossi never rambled. Another sign that Hotch's attitude was greatly affecting his team.

"I don't know what you want me to say."

"Have you talked to her about this?" Rossi answered after a moment, both men knowing exactly whom he was referring to.

"She's avoiding me. And… I don't know what to say to her either." Aaron's shoulders dropped at the confession. Not that he had particularly tried to get through to Emily, but each time he would walk in on his team, the tension was palpable. And he was pretty sure that Emily Prentiss had avoided eye contact with him for the past days.

"She is not avoiding you, Aaron. She is shutting _everyone_ down." Rossi said, holding his friend's gaze. If he listened to his instincts, he would likely reach over the too large desk and shake Hotch back to reason. Rossi was deeply persuaded that Aaron Hotchner was the only person who could get through to Emily. "You are both going through a tough time, but if you keep ignoring each other, the whole team will crumble down."

"What do you want me to do then?" Hotch didn't even flinch as he listened to Rossi's words. He knew that the man was right. After all, Rossi was a profiler and he had already proven that he had a pretty good insight in both Emily's and his own mind.

"First, I'd like to know how you are feeling about all this… Everyone's watching Prentiss' every move, but she's not the only one going through this traumatic experience."

Hotch barely heard the last bit of the sentence, as his mind had already drifted back to that basement, to that night. Buntings' vicious voice was echoing in his ears, along with Emily's whimpers. He snatched back to reality when Rossi called out his name, and realized that he had been daydreaming a little too long.

"I understand what you're driving at, but I don't…" He began to answer but was cut sharp by Rossi.

"So you were in the room when it happened?"

Hotch breathed in deeply. His eyes were set on the half-filled report in front of him, the one that had helped him escape his dark thoughts. Before answering though, he reached for the mug of coffee and sipped it, thinking about an answer.

"Maybe something stronger would help you?" Rossi offered, eyeing the left drawer behind Hotch's desk, where he knew was hidden a bottle of nice cognac. But the deadly glare the unit chief sent his way dissuaded him from reaching over. It was half past four in the morning after all.

"I can't get her cries out of my head… Have you ever seen her cry?" Hotch said absently. Rossi took a moment to reflect before answering.

"I can't even begin to imagine how horrible this must have been…"

"I couldn't do anything. I was tied up at the other end of the room." From his position, Dave could see tears well up in his friend's eyes, and felt terrified at this sight. Despite the tragedies they saw every day, the times when Hotch had let the tears fall could be counted on a single hand.

"He made you watch…" Rossi said to himself. He suddenly felt the urge to grab Hotch's secret bottle and pour some strong pain medication into his morning coffee.

"She asked me to close my eyes, as though she wanted to protect me while she was being…" Unable to finish the sentence, Hotch pursed his lips and resumed drinking his coffee, welcoming the burning sensation that numbed his mouth and his brain.

"She didn't want you to remember her at her weakest…" Rossi said more to himself than to Hotch. "Does it bother you that she acts like nothing happened?"

Both men made eye contact for a long moment. They all had noticed how tired Emily had been in the last days and how jumpy she had been whenever someone would approach her from behind.

"I'm concerned that it may put her in danger when she is back on the field." The unit chief said, lowering his gaze again. He had to force himself to think of it as a professional matter. On a personal dimension, he was evidently dying to take the pain and sadness away from her, to hold her when she was crying and to reassure her when she would wake up from nightmares. But he didn't want to share this with Rossi – and part of him was convinced that every man on the team felt the same way.

"She's been seeing someone – professionally, I mean." Rossi said after clearing his throat.

"Yeah, I know. Strauss insisted that she has more than just a psychic eval. I agree, she needs someone to talk to."

"So do you."

Rossi watched as Hotch stood up from his chair and began pacing around the room, occasionally glancing through the half-open blinds. The bullpen was completely empty at this hour, but there was no doubt that JJ would soon be waltzing through the glass doors for an early debrief of the newest cases.

"I'm afraid she might just leave…"

The elderly agent frowned at this enigmatic statement, although he could guess what Aaron was referring to. He had heard about Elle, and he had witnessed first-hand how broken the team was after Jason Gideon left. Most people working in such a demanding unit would reach their limit after a while, and choose to quit.

"She's strong… and stubborn, Aaron."

"Half of the cases we deal with involve some sort of sexual violence… How could she still face all these unsubs, knowing what it…"

"Aaron, stop." Hotch had not noticed that his friend had stood up and leaned on the window to take a look himself at the empty premises. "You know how Emily compartmentalizes things. This job is her life. And it's not the first tough thing she's been through…"

Hotch nodded, although an irresistible sadness washed over him. It was tragic to think that Emily Prentiss was like him in so many ways. They had little social or family life, and almost lived for getting justice done. A depressing thought.

"Alright," he finally spoke up again when the silence filling the room became too unbearable. "even if she decides to stay, how am I supposed to send her on the field, crack a serial rapist in an interrogation room or chase unsubs?"

Rossi pursed his lips. He wasn't a bit surprised as to where this conversation had drifted to. In the long years he had known Aaron Hotchner, he had never seen him so protective of his coworkers than with the current team. Of course, in the early days of their collaboration, Hotch had been a simple agent. Now, this was _his_ team, and he felt like a responsible father about the younger members of the group. Many times, Rossi had smiled to himself when he witnessed Aaron send JJ home after a long day, rush to a wounded Morgan on the field or reassure Reid about his abilities on the job. But the elderly agent had always known that Emily had a special place in Hotch's heart, and therefore earned more attention than the other agents on this team.

"My point exactly, Aaron." Rossi said, trying not to sound too accusing. "You have some issues to deal with as well."

Hotch didn't turn around, as he waited for the words to register with his brain. With the lack of sleep, he found it difficult to keep his guard up and remain imperturbable.

"So you suggest I see a shrink?" He snorted, knowing that Rossi would be the last to follow his own advice.

"First of all, you need to tell her how you feel. She needs to know you're not punishing her because of this…"

"Punishing?" Hotch snapped, turning around briskly. Rossi remained as calm as ever, having expected this reaction.

"You know Prentiss. Independent, fearless. If you start putting her on paperwork or victimology instead of sending her in the field… dear friend, I don't want to be in her way."

When it was clear that Rossi was finished with his lecture, Hotch dug his face into the mug of coffee. A glance at his watch told him that it was almost half past five. Soon, the first agents would come in to work and take his broken mind off these thoughts. And, eventually, Emily Prentiss would walk in to do some more paperwork and wait for a new case. A knot formed in Hotch's throat at the thought of confronting her again, of seeing her bruises that had not faded yet, and the hollowness in her eyes. He had to do something.


End file.
